TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, INCOME, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Staff Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Confirmed by a Camouflaged Sommelier and Four Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace had been a penthouse, it would include a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker access. That's the eyesight guiding Trump Tower Damascus, the latest geopolitical enhancement-slash-luxury real-estate calamity introduced by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and minimum-sued architects.


Yes, The person who set casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Impression catalogs has now set his eye on the Middle East. Instead of the usual Dubai skyline filler both-no, we are conversing Damascus, the city Traditionally recognized for historical tradition, deadly proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with views of contested airspace.


"It's going to be tremendous. Remarkable!" Trump declared by using a leaked golf cart Zoom get in touch with, streamed from your Placing inexperienced inside Mar-a-Lago's Scenario Bunker. "We have experienced stunning ceasefires in Syria. Several of the very best. But now, we're creating them with balconies."



Welcome into the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus like a shaved alpaca in a very falafel stand-perplexed, majestic, and solely out of area. Made by Slovenian agency Ivana & Sons, the tower attributes:




  • A a few-ground Casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Delighted Hour until the drone flies")




  • As well as a 9/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely described as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses documented combined reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, an area textile service provider, sighed, "We waited ten yrs for potable drinking water. But Certainly, sure, let us have Yet another position wherever American men can dress in robes and phone it diplomacy."


Meanwhile, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes therapeutic." When requested how, she replied, "With velvet curtains in addition to a pillow menu, needless to say."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. international coverage analysts are calling this probably the most audacious peace attempt since Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. Even though past negotiations unsuccessful below the weight of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's prepare is simpler: provide Anyone a collection over the 72nd floor and comp their mojitos.


In accordance with documents published on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal includes "luxurious diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration between rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, total with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This really is smooth electricity," explained political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Tv set, wielding a agreement plus a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO won't. Geopolitical gridlock requirements fewer diplomats and more minibar upgrades."



What the Critics Are Screaming


Worldwide watchdogs have sounded the alarm, typically into gold-plated intercoms mounted in Every single unit. The UN Particular Rapporteur for Conflict of Fascination mentioned, "It is not that Trump shouldn't open up a tower inside of a war Trump Tower Damascus zone. It can be that he need to halt using it to lease ballroom Place to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when questioned about the task, replied, "You already know, gentleman, I the moment rode a camel in Beirut. Very good men and women. Great tan. In any case, do I still have that ice cream?"


In the meantime, The Hague has reserved a suite for "future evidence storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has officially referred on the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Factory on the Levant."



Satellite Photos Expose… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit discovered that the resort's landscaping sorts a giant Trump head noticeable from Room, a attribute staying marketed as "desert-evidence branding." The mustache is produced from refugee tents plus the chin is… nicely, classified.


Environmental groups have submitted lawsuits following obtaining the developing's gold plating mirrored a great deal sunlight it spontaneously blinded a few migrating storks and established fire to a local melon cart.


"It is not only ugly. It is a war crime with curtains," mentioned Amnesty Global's regional director.



The Melania Wing together with other Puzzling Features


Probably the strangest component on the tower is its Melania Wing, which contains:




  • A silent atrium wherever friends may perhaps contemplate vague disappointment




  • A reproduction of her Slovenian bedroom, total with climate control established to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which incorporates her "I do not care, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Show.




Area Syrians are unsure what to generate of this. "Is she a ghost?" questioned twelve-12 months-aged Ahmad, pointing into a holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Internet marketing Strategy: "In the event you Bomb It, They may Appear"


The advertisement campaign, recently leaked by way of the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is Daring. One poster reads:


"Peace is Short-term. Luxury is Without end."


One more slogan, now circulating in Beirut espresso outlets:


"A Tower So Large, Even Assad Has to note."


Public reception is wildly divided. A latest SnapPoll performed inside of a hookah lounge exhibits:




  • 34% say "it'd stabilize the area"




  • 29% say "this will likely escalate regional kitsch"




  • eighteen% mentioned "in which's the closest elevator into the West Financial institution?"





Investor Praise: "Ultimately, a Disaster That Pays"


The task is presently attracting awareness from international investors, including:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights like a foreign minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an anonymous TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who mentioned he'll invest in three penthouses "in order to flex on Hezbollah."




In keeping with a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's business amount will even consist of:




  • A Greenback Retailer of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Theme Park Referred to as 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Home Based on the Iraq War





Remark Area Chaos


Over the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb posting about the revealing, person @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Can't hold out to view a marriage in the course of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades as opposed to rice."


User @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Ultimately, a hotel in which my PTSD may have flip-down provider."


A different put up from @KuwaitiKardashian merely questioned:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Influence


U.S. officers be concerned the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Housing Arms Race." Studies propose:




  • China could open the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is setting up a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly made available to develop a Tesla showroom around the Golan Heights driven by raw ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten involved. As outlined by https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has provided to bless the plumbing… but only if he can rename the highest flooring "The Holy See-Amount Suite."



Last Feelings from the Trump Foundation for Peace & Pancakes™


In a closing ceremony that included three camels, a flamethrower, and a hologram of Reagan giving a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed about the speakers:


"Damascus necessary hope. It wanted gold. It required a waterslide shaped like the Constitution. I gave all of it three. You're welcome."

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